So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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