So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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