genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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