just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I think a kid would responsible me up
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
