Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
