He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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