Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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