I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I want her autograph on my taint
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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