actually, I'm a sock model
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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