I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
