After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
