how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
