The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
