made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
