I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
