I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
