How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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