I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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