i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
