god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
