did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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