I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
