Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize