i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize