and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
