I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
