So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
