Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
