I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
