Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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