So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
