I wish my penis had an off switch
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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