pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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