I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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