i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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