You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
ok first of all what the fuck
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