It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i love accidental penises.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
