I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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