Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I look better un-naked...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
