my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
