I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
