I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
