Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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