I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
