real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
