I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
