i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize