I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
