i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
