Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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