We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
