i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize