Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
