dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
