I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
