Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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