your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
